A couple of months ago I was thinking about goals for myself and wasn't really coming up with anything. I'm not sure why I was even sitting there trying to come up with goals when I didn't have anything in particular in mind prompting me to do so. Maybe because it was shortly after the start of the year and it felt like I was supposed to? I have no idea.
We are complex beings with hopes, dreams, fears, vulnerabilities, shame, goals, desires and longings. We want to be close to people, to feel connected, accepted, celebrated and loved. Interestingly, we tend to attach performance and/or perfection to those things... fearing that if we are not performing well or perfect, we will not feel accepted, celebrated or loved. How sad that we (many of us) have learned to weave those things together, as if our imperfections will threaten the unraveling of the entire tapestry of connection.
I sit with people in their moments of deep and scary vulnerability, gifted with the opportunity to hold space for them that allows for imperfection, stumbling over words, tears, frustrations and fear... absolutely no perfection or performance required. In fact, letting go of the need to perform allows for us to clarify and actively tend to areas that are most important to us. Our relationships with others, our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with God. I fully understand the fear of letting go of perfection... and the fear that if someone sees you in your mess you will feel disconnected and alone.
Give yourself the opportunity to show up fully in your life and in your relationships, without fear of having to perform perfectly. I think the start of 2019 presents an awesome opportunity for you to discover that new, perfection-free space. Rather than adding more tasks to your do-to list, additional goals that you'll let go of by February or rewriting the same resolutions over and over again... uncover and nurture the things that are already within you and in front of you! Perfection not required. :)
Have a wonderful, peaceful and safe new year!
What would happen if someone gave you permission to be imperfect? Would it feel like a weight has been lifted or would you find yourself wanting to push back out of fear of what imperfect means to you? As much as we work to be authentic in our lives and relationships, it can be really difficult to let go the idea of having to perform, having to get it right all the time, having to be perfect.
When referring to the concept of "self," we typically think of the terms self-esteem and maybe even self-concept. However, there is a third aspect of self that rarely gets any love but is important to our well-being... self-efficacy. You might be thinking, "What is self-efficacy and why should I care?" Well, I thought you'd never ask!
Self-efficacy is a concept developed by Albert Bandura that, generally speaking, refers to the sense we have of ourselves as being capable and competent to complete tasks. As stated by the American Psychological Association (APA, 2017), "Self-efficacy reflects confidence in the ability to exert control over one's own motivation, behavior and social environment." I find it interesting how, for so many years, there has been such a heavy focus on the development of self-esteem rather than self-efficacy. It's no wonder we are surrounded by people who present as "confident," yet crumble in the face of slight challenge or consider themselves failing if something doesn't work out perfectly. Side note, contrary to popular belief, this doesn't just happen to Millennials. I mean, don't get me wrong, they are really cornering the market... but they are certainly not alone!
I think it is safe to say that people don't always feel super confident when challenged by life events or circumstances. Self-efficacy allows us to stay strong in the face of challenge and not start seeing ourselves as inept or a failure at the first sight of struggle. Self-efficacy allows us to take risks, approach challenges, learn new things, find wisdom in our mistakes and, well, grow as human beings. When we have a stronger sense of self-efficacy, we can more easily regroup or recenter, not allowing setbacks or disappointments to derail our emotions, behaviors and our decision making.
In my work with clients, I often see people who feel overwhelmed by their circumstances and understandably so. Clients don't come in to tell me how great their lives are going... although it's always nice to get updates! Clients typically come to counseling because they feel emotionally challenged, overwhelmed and possibly even hopeless about their situation or the idea that things could be better.
We never have total control over every aspect our lives, no matter how hard we try. Things happen that are well beyond our influence and we need to get okay with that... but there are some things we DO have influence over and we need to start maximizing those opportunities. When we feel hopeless or feel like a life challenge has become bigger than us, it can easily seem like there is no hope for change or that, no matter what we do, we won't be able to influence the outcome in a favorable way.
If you are going through a particularly challenging experience, I encourage you to take inventory of the FULL picture... stop ruminating over the same few pieces of information. We tend to have tunnel vision sometimes and laser in on things that are outside of our control, forgetting that there is so much more to the picture and areas that we CAN influence. At the very least, we can influence a shift in our perception of an experience or challenge the meanings we are placing on an experience. We don't have to make everything personal or take responsibility for things that are not ours to hold or own. We don't need to berate ourselves if we have to work harder than others to accomplish a goal or we find that we've made a mistake and need to regroup. Self-efficacy allows us to continue moving forward with realistic expectations of self and acceptance of what we can and can't control.
One of the best ways to start building self-efficacy is to take inventory of times when you have walked through a challenging life experience or personal struggle. We have all been through crap, so don't pretend like you can't come up with something. :) Consider what helped you get through those experiences... abilities and gifts that allowed you to survive and, more than likely, come out even better on the other side for having gone through the experiences. I'm asking you to throw yourself a bone here. The fact is, you've been through some things and still here to talk about it so... how did you do it? Be honest and don't be afraid to own something positive about yourself. When we are used to seeing ourselves as incapable or inept (or worse, "unlucky") it can be easy to forget there is anything positive. Again, look at the FULL picture!
Self-efficacy is important to our resiliency and well-being. It is inevitable that we will walk through challenges, and continue to do so throughout our lives, but we don't have to feel helpless and incapable of influencing growth and change. Even if no one in your life has ever told you that you're capable... you are. Tell yourself, own the part of you that feels motivated for change, that can handle difficult experiences and can keep moving forward when things seem to be working against you.
Enjoy your weekend!
Jodi Clarke, MA, LPC/MHSP, NCC
Counseling Services for Women & Couples
A sweet client of mine was processing with me the sudden loss of her husband. As we talked about feelings of loneliness she stated, "It's quiet... a loud quiet, if that makes sense." Oh yes, it makes sense and I bet many of you reading this can identify with what she was describing. You might experience the loud quiet as a result of loss like my client, a hurting marriage, overwhelm as a parent, stress at work, demands from family or even an unsettled past. When we feel emotionally burdened or hurting, the quiet can seem very, very loud.
One common reaction to the loud quiet is to want to get away from it as quickly as possible. It doesn't feel good, it can even feel scary or overwhelming. Of course we wouldn't want to stay there! Who would? We do all kinds of things to get away. We distract ourselves with tasks, we may drink, overwork ourselves, have affairs, gamble, the list goes on and on. We do something... anything... that allows us to not have to experience the loud quiet. What scares us so much about the loud quiet, though? What makes us want to get away from it so quickly?
Of course the answer to this would be different for each of us, depending on our circumstance and how the loud quiet feels to us in the moment. The one thing that would likely be a common thread, though, within our answers is, "It's too big for me." The quiet becomes so loud because of the depth of emotion we're experiencing and the speed of the thoughts swirling around in our mind during those moments. It all feels so big, complicated and impossible. We feel it move toward us and might think, "I can't handle this."
If you take a moment to slow down and plant your feet, I think you would surprise yourself with all that you can actually do. The loud quiet isn't a big, heavy impossible monster to be battled and tamed. It is a lot of thought and emotion that longs to be seen, heard and understood. I help people sort through those challenging spaces, to calm and soften the edges, to find peace and to allow the quiet to not feel so loud anymore.
The amount of time and energy it often takes to sort through these things is so much less than the energy it takes to run from it or escape. Not to mention, much less harmful to you and your family than the options you might be choosing (or thinking about choosing) to use as an escape right now. You don't have to do all of this on your own.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Counseling for Women & Couples
Licensed Professional Counselor